Thursday, December 28, 2006

Bringing SPC-BAC(k)...into existence

For all the instant gratification junkies, SPC-BAC(k) stands for the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Bay Area Citizens. The (k) is to provide pronunciation guidance and avoid confusion - the pronunciation is SPC Back not SPC Bass (which is probably an existing special interest group within the SPCA). Here's why we should be talking about bringing SPC-BAC(k) into existence:

Over the past few months I've come across multiple instances of a dismaying snobbish attitude displayed by people who live within SF city limits towards their less fortunate friends who live in the wider Bay Area. This kind of snobbery exists in other cities - Between people in Manhattan towards Brooklyn dwellers, or between South Bombay and Malad, or between South Delhi and NOIDA. I do think the problem in SF has become more severe than in other places

For those who aren't too sure about the seriousness of the issue let me cite a few examples of actual conversations that I've been privy too.. And if you're an SF snob (SFS) PLEASE do resist treating this list as a "5-6 New Ways Of Putting Down Your Bay Area Friends" post.
  1. BAC heading back home from city to SFS: "It was nice seeing you. Take care and have fun" --- SFS replying to BAC: "I would say the same to you, except that you're heading back to San Jose"
  2. SFS team manager to new BAC team-mate: "Sorry I missed your call. I don't have your number in my address book and tend not to pick up calls with South Bay area codes" --- BAC team-mate (revealing SFSs don't have a lock on snobbery): "Hey I live in the Peninsula - not South Bay"
  3. SFS picking up a call from BAC friend: "Hey how was the weekend? Which mall did you go to?"
  4. SFS-on-a-rare-visit-to-East-Bay to BAC friend: " Nice neighbourhood...I guess you don't have trouble finding parking here do you?"
  5. SFS hosting out-of-state friend who first spent time with North-Bay-friend: "So did he show you all the sights - like the school he went to...umm...and the local Starbucks?"
  6. One well-meaning-but-not-too-bright-SFS to group of friends: "I'm so glad I wasn't born with 'suburb' gene, just the gay one"
I know most of you are cringing at these comments, just like I did. At a time when the country and really, the world is looking for a way to heal divisions, such attitudes only create more. And while there may be a case for questioning the judgment of the wide number of people who choose (yes, some people do actually choose) to live outside the city - there is NO case for not extending the same respect to them and their choices that one would, to say, people who choose to live outside Haight-Ashbury and still paint their house's facade purple and yellow.

I'm proud to say I have many Bay Area friends and they're just as good as anyone else...if someone does start SPC-BAC(k) I'd be happy to volunteer my services...that is, as long as I can do it from their SF office.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Big Love or Where On Earth Are Those Star Trek Travel Pods

No this is not a blog about my thoughts on polyamory or on the HBO show with the same name dealing with polygamy. I do have some thoughts on the subject (like - if you can actually manage multiple relationships at the same time and still retain your sanity - well good for you). But there's more than one kind of polygamy/polyamory. In my case, I'm in love with two places at the same time even though I'm geographically monogamous right now.

I'm in love with India and with San Francisco. I never thought I'd live outside India - definitely wanted to travel outside but never wanted to live there. - To that end I turned down a couple of opportunities to work and live abroad.

After two years in the Bay Area - I still miss India a ton - the chaos, the energy and liveliness hidden within that chaos, the colors, the Hindi songs playing out of tuneless radios in every shop, the corrupt politicians (well I don't miss them too much cos they're right here in the US too :(, the carefree (read insane) driving, being able to see Hindi movies the same day they're released...my family and friends...and not missing significant chunks of their lives. It's a somewhat romanticized view, I admit. I found many of those things irritating most of my life - but in my defence, I had that romanticized view even when I was living, sweating and swearing at power cuts in India. As an overall package India always felt right for me.

Until I moved to San Francisco. I moved to SF for some good reasons - like the many fabulous clubs that you can go to anytime you want :) - and the fact that they had a mayor who thought nothing of marrying men and women to other men and women - while in India they were still debating the (il)legality of being gay.

It took me less than two weeks to fall in love with San Francisco - its spirit, its values, its loony left politics, the fact that 'coming out' doesn't cause a pause in the conversation, the wonderful weather - (Hey, I actually LIKE always having to carry a jacket), the blue blue sky framing the rust red of the Golden Gate, the all-pervasive entrepreneurial spirit...San Francisco feels like home (too).

The only thing keeping me locationally monogamous right now is that Star Trek-style travel pods haven't been invented. Makes you wonder why that hasn't happened yet - if we could land a man on the moon way back in the 60s, then surely we should've been able to figure out travel pods by now.
For the record, I'm not a loony conspiracy theorist; I believe we did land on the moon - if it had really been staged on a Hollyowood set like some people think, Neil Armstrong would have looked like Tom Cruise, he'd probably have made love to a glamorous woman in space, and the picture would have been less grainy. The dialogue though would've probably been just as corny... umm inspirational... as "A small step for man, A giant leap for mankind."

However if I WERE the moon-landing-doubting-kind, I'd wonder if the Pods have actually been invented but kept hidden under pressure from those concerned (read the Family Values crowd) about not letting Big Love have its chance in the world in any shape or form. You say, well that's silly, where would they hide these travel pods anyway? --- Anyone heard of Area 51?

Unhealthy Democratization of Birthday Celebrations

Not too far back into the past, I had this conversation with a friend in the South Bay, at a mall (where else) - about whether everyone should have the right to celebrate their birthdays. Here's my thoughts on this issue.

The current democratic system of birthday celebration - where anyone who wishes to have their friends take them out for dinner gets their way - is I believe, fundamentally broken. And we all now know, how flawed democracy leads to chaos, violence and destruction...and why Staying The Course is not a good idea (well - most of us know it). So it may make sense to move to a system where celebrating birthdays is a right and a privilege restricted on the basis of how much personality the date actually has. I call it the Birthdays For All (But Only If You Really Deserve It) system. We'd probably just use the short version of the name "Birthdays For All". Experiments by the current administration have shown this works well in driving acceptance of what you're trying to do - as evidenced by the aptly named Clean Air (Ha Ha What a Quaint Concept) and No Child Left Behind(As Long As Your Parents Live in Malibu) Acts.

Let me illustrate how BFA might work. It woud be based on judging whether a date has (any) personality. Its easily done - as I show below with two examples:

For example, March 16 has oodles of personality -
1) The numbers add up to 7 universally acknowledged as a lucky number (the conspiracy theorist in me believes that this was probably a campaign thought up by casinos to get people to bet on it more often instead of diversifying their risk),
2) Its in Spring - the most beautiful time of the year with blooming flowers and fluttering butterflies to add to the festive spirit. (And before the penguins protest, let me say I know this doesn't hold for you guys, but hey I believe in localization of ideas - Nov 16 is the equivalent date for you)
3) It marks the end of a period of evil - the Ides of March that's been known throughout history for having been a time of treachery. Celebrating anything on Mar 16 is the same as celebrating the dawn of a new era of hope, goodness and holy-bookish everlasting joy

Now take another randomly selected date - Nov 22:
1) The numbers add up to 4 - which signifies nothing other than a pretty poor score on a test (and yeah before you bring up the 4.0 GPA system, do consider for a moment, that that system was probably invented by a really bad student...probably of Communism - the logic behind the GPA system SO reeks of "if you can't score a 10 get everyone to score a 4.0"
2) Its a cold dreary time of the year - marks the end of all hope - of summer - for the next several eons - grey skies, cold rain - November Rain was probably composed on nov 22!
3) I can't think of any other facet of this date's dull personality - and that in itself makes the argument abot how utterly lacking in character this date is.

I think any objective, impartial observer would agree that the first date is much more deserving of celebration than the second one...And there are several good reasons for implementing a system that identifies which dates should have birthdays celebrated and which should not - ranging from - its just good aesthetics (the most important one in my blog), to - there are no free lunches umm dinner in this case - if you cant make a good case for the personality of your dob - you shouldn't get a free dinner on that date.

None of this, of course, has anything to do with the marker - of my 1/3rd life crisis - being close at hand. I like birthdays - but as Orkut's options on pets put it - I just like them at the zoo.

Monday, December 25, 2006

A Sonnet to Sabbaticals Past

I've been battling the blues for the last few weeks - actually ever since I went back to work in the beginning of November. I can't figure out why - I mean, it can't be the fact that I'm back to working 60-70 hour weeks again, because everyone knows thats really a ton of fun, right? Right. :)

So I'm guessing its probably because I didn't have that much fun during the sabbatical - maybe sabbaticals are over-rated (Though looking at my severely depleted savings account - that caused a minor panic about my ability to pay my credit card bills at the end of Nov - I'd say they deserve to be highly 'rated')

The credit card panic was a first for me. There were other firsts during the sabbatical - and here they are penned down in a Shakespearean sonnet (as opposed to a Petrarchan or Spenserian one - amazing how a quick google search can make you sound so much more intellectual than you are).

Let the lines serve as a warning to those contemplating a sabbatical themselves - beware - in the end - you can sum up all the fun in 14 lines (or less!)

My Favorite Firsts

Cycling (13 miles!) over the Golden Gate to Sausolito
Greeting cute - and not so cute - guys at SF's coolest STD testing center with a smile
Applying - and being turned down - for a waiter's job at more than one trendy bistro
Ushering-for-a-day at the Orpheum theatre to see the Putnam County Spelling Bee: free but not exactly in style :)

Driving a convertible - over the ocean to Key West
Taking advantage of the local hospitality - read decadence
to go natural-born swimming - no jest
Notching up another nationality - the French!

I saw Mariah Carey in Oakland - marvelled at her vocal calisthenics
Hiked - 8 miles! - in Yosemite...and then lazed all next day reading the NY Times :)
Volunteered as a city guide to touring hostelites - and no, not for tricks!
Took meditation classes, apprendi Espagnol, blogged about my favorite rhymes

In the end, I ask myself, was it all worth it - if I'm back to feeling blue
Well - says my philosopher-voice - the blues will go away, the memories will stay with you

Tattoos And The Marrying Man

I think I've found a test that single-women-looking-to-get-hitched can use to find out whether a guy they're interested in is going to be able to commit to a long-term relationship. I'd include single gay men in the group that the test would be useful to - if there were any that were looking for commitment. You know I'm kidding, right. Thats only a stereotype - that only the vast majority of gay men fit :)

Anyway, the test is easy - Check to see if he has any tattoos or if he is willing to get one. I've come to believe that tattoos are a great marker for someone who's willing to commit. There are several similarities - between a man with a tattoo and man willing to marry - that I can and will now proceed to point out:

1. Both types of men need to be at least slightly masochistic :)
2. Both need to be willing to live with the same adornment for the rest of their lives (I'm only objectifying women as a man's adornment in interest of rhetoric...otherwise I have a lot of respect for them...really!)
3. Actually I can't think of a third one but one of the things you learn as a consultant is to always have three points when you start out - even if you end up with more or less that that by the end of the explanation.

One of the ways to test this theory would be to look at the British male population. From sailors to bankers to David Beckham, tons of British men from all walks of life seem to have some kinda tattoo somewhere. I'd say, based on the time I spent in London and idle extrapolation, roughly half of the British male population is tattooed. Also, I heard somewhere that Britain has something like a 50% divorce rate. Coincidence?! I think not! I think if someone took the trouble to study this, they'd find its mostly the un-tattooed men that are driving the broken-marriage rate in the UK.

I myself am sporting a black blazing sun tattoo on my left arm these days. It has a dough0nut shaped hole in the center where the core should be. The hole is centered on my small-pox vaccination scar (or maybe its the polio vaccination scar)...a remnant of times when it was considered acceptable to save lives even if it left permanent scars. Thankfully we're moving beyond that kind of thinking in today's Nip/Tuck age :) The tattoo reminds me of a song from SoundGarden called Black Hole Sun which I really like...its their only song that I know, actually.

I got the tattoo in Key West the same night that I cuddled the critter (see previous post) or befriended the boa or petted the python (alliteration is addictive!). Before you conclude that I'm now ready for a long-term monogamous relationship - I should mention that its only a temporary painless henna tattoo. Its already started fading and should be gone in a week or so. Converts to my theory by now, you sigh: if he can't commit to a tattoo - how can he commit to a relationship. In my defense, I like to believe that when I meet the right tattoo...umm, boyfriend...I will commit to it...him...whatever!